Friday, June 6, 2008

Toaster Slap! A movie review of "Inside"


Not sure if French horror is getting better...or worse. Or, EVEN worse-- not sure if it's even changing at all!

I watched "Inside" tonight. "Inside" is the story of a horse-faced french chick (lordie she's ugly! LOL) who's husband is killed in a car wreck that she's terribly injured in as well. She's immensely pregnant at the time of the wreck. I mean, she looks full term. But they flash foward four months, and she's still even more immensely pregnant. I guess the director never saw a pregnant woman before and imagined that at six months, slender-built pregnant women look like they are over term with quadruplets. At 'nine months' the chick is all...lumpy-pregnant. Her name is Sarah.

Anyway, Sarah is a day away from having her baby. She goes home from a doc's appointment and is terrorized by a tall, skinny Angelina-Jolie-with-over-collagenized-lookalike. The police come, find nobody, go away, and the girl wakes up in bed with a pair of scissors sticking out of her belly. Nice, huh?

From there, the story stops. She gets into the bathroom, and the bad girl and the ugly girl sit on opposites sides of the bathroom door and breathe at each other for a while. The obligatory late night guests show up, die horribly via knitting needles, long shiny shears, falls down stairs, and smothering (only two guests, believe it or not). The police come to check on the ugly girl, and die overly dramatic deaths. The cat dies an overly dramatic death.

The bathroom door dies an overly dramatic death.

Things this movie has:

1. Foot long shiny scissors that honestly serve no purpose in a modern household.
2. convenient items to make weapons with, with placement that makes NO sense whatsoever.
3. dumb cops.
4. obligatory visitors.
5. lots of stabbings in the eyes.
6. everybody character walks away with a slashed/stabbed jugular! Nobody's a loser on "Inside"!
7. Toaster slaps. (the best scene. Ugly girl gets whapped upside the head with a toaster.)
8. lots and lots and lots of geyser-like jugular slashings.
9. Enough blood to float a small boat. Luckily it's all contained to the hallway and the bathroom.
10. computer generated fetuses
11. and best yet, homemade spears

I didn't get how this ugly girl--who is a sturdy looking woman--can't get the upperhand on this tall, skinny, droopy-lipped chick. She had a million chances to beat her. I don't get why she didn't verbally warn her guests and the cops. I don't understand why this ugly chick didn't have a SINGLE likeable quality. She was depressed, mean, ugly, and a coward.

It was sort of cool when she gave herself a tracheotomy with a knitting needle. Then duct-taped the squirting hole closed. That was fairly interesting. Another cool point was when she was groping around the hallways through a hole in the bathroom door and the bad girl stabbed her through the hand and pinned it to the wall. I thought the senseless pet murder was, well, pointless.

I didn't like the movie too much. The characters were unlikeable. Totally unlikeable. I didn't care of the ugly girl died or not. I didn't care of the barely-explained villain got what she wanted.

It was like the director tried too hard, but gave up suddenly.

I mean, the gore is sort of interesting. It's probably the only decent thing in the movie. Horrible to say, but there's not much else to this movie. It just doesn't tie together neatly. It's very loose and leaves way too much open. I love artsy horror flicks and watch my share of them. This one, though...falls short.

No comments: